Wednesday 11 January 2012

The Cowardly Me (First Written 11 January 2012)

"Go away." I told the darkness. "Leave me alone tonight."

Her sad eyes stared at me from the corner of the room. "But I'm scared to be on my own." She whined.

"You're not following me around. I'm meeting Lauren's friends and you'll only put them off. You're staying away tonight."

I could see the tears begin to form in her eyes. I shook my head. "Don't start crying."

"Why doesn't anyone like me?" She sobbed. "Why is everyone so mean to me? I always get left out."

I rolled my eyes. "Because you stand in the corner and don't talk to anyone. You're a coward and you won't change. I don't want you with me tonight."

She had her head in her hands and I could see her shoulders shaking. She was pathetic. She stopped me getting the friends I wanted and if she hung around any longer, she would stop me doing what I wanted to do in life. Sometimes I thought I had gotten rid of her and then she'd creep her way back up to my side, lurking by my shoulder. She doesn't like it when I'm drunk but she always comes back in the morning, bright and early. I thought bullying would make her leave, but it only makes her whimper.

She's been with me all my life. When I was asked out by a guy, she cried in the corner because she didn't think she was good-looking enough for him. When his friend sat next to me in the pub, she sat in silence, playing with a beer mat.

I tried to accept that she was just a part of me and wanted others to accept her too, but I only lost friends because of her. I may have lost that guy because of her. I think I even lost myself at a time.

Maybe she'll never leave me. Maybe she'll sit with me on my deathbed. I don't know, but I can force her to stay at home when she needs to, and perhaps that's enough.

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